


Follow You

by NormieScum



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Based on a Poem, Don't try to understand it, F/F, F/M, Fem!Eren, Female Jean - Freeform, I don't, Implied trans boy Eren, It doesn't make a lot of sense, It flips around a lot, Its just a mess, M/M, Modern, canon-verse, erejean - Freeform, female eren - Freeform, free form writing, jeaneren - Freeform, poetry based, reg Jean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-02
Updated: 2016-07-02
Packaged: 2018-07-19 14:49:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7365955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NormieScum/pseuds/NormieScum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A free form reincarnation one-shot based on a poem called "25 Lives" by Tongari.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Follow You

**Author's Note:**

> SOOOO this is a very big project for me, I'm glad to have wrapped it up! This is based on my favorite poem "25 Lives" by Tongari. The poetry is actually in the fic (Italicized/bold SO ANYTHING IN ITALICIZATION/BOLD IS NOT MINE. It's the poet's.) Some of the Jean and Eren muses I use in this are referenced to mine and my RP partner's muses, using differentish names such as Erenay or Jeaine. Some of the other ideas are just things I've wanted to rp or write but never got around to making a full version of it. This feels really messy but it's free form so I guess that's kinda the point :) Anyway, thanks so much for the support! I'm going to get right on some other projects now that I've gotten this out of the way.  
> ONCe aGAIN, the poem itself is not written by me. It's my fave and it's amazingly written by Tongari. :))  
> -Brit.
> 
> Here's a link to the poem btw: http://alighthouseofwords.tumblr.com/post/47941173293/25-lives-by-tongari

 

**_The very first time I remember you, you are blonde and don’t love me back._ **

 

“I almost didn’t recognize you. The blonde. It’s new.” He mutters, reaching out to touch her soft golden hair.

 

“…Who are you?”

  
“Very funny, Eren.” Jean is convinced she’s playing a joke on him.

The love of his life, she’s odd.

Sometimes she forgets who she is.

She forgets him at least a dozen times a day.

They aren’t even lovers; from her apprehension he’s starting to give up on the idea of them.

“It’s me, Jean…”

 

The name is familiar to her but she looks away quickly.

It brings back bad memories.

She remembers why she’s distanced herself from him and she thanks the amnesia for protecting her.

 

“I don’t know you, please stop following me!” She’s frantic now, her hand tucks a strand of unfamiliar honey gold behind her ear as she tries to run but falls over her own feet.

“It’s okay! Eren!” Jean follows, reaching out to catch her. He’s always been her anchor.

He holds her in his arms and she forgets how to breathe.

Violent sobs racking her body as she remembers the smell of burnt corpses.

The screams of her fallen comrades.

She remembers Jean is tall and stoic.

Everyone has lost so much.

She’s lost so much, she reaches for the key around her neck and holds it in her hand so hard that it cuts into her tanned skin.

The screams in her head are loud and domineering and she cries out from this.

People are staring but she’s too far gone to care.

Jean doesn’t mind, he’s been this way for her for so long.

 

“Who are you?!” She cries out, his hand is in her hair and he massages the nape of her neck gently.

The way he knows she loves.

“I’m your best friend, Eren. You know that!” It hurts, the confessions he’s given her had been for nothing.

He loves her so much and she can’t return that feeling.

 

“Just leave me alone.” She snarls before turning on a heel to leave.

He’ll call her tomorrow. Sadly, it’ll be hours too late.

She walks into the ocean and doesn’t come back.

He tries to move on but he knows he’ll never forget her unique golden eyes.

Even when he marries, he doesn’t feel complete.

A life time of sadness and obsession is all that’s left until he’s born again.

 

_  
**The next time you are brunette, and you do.**_

He remembers the first time they kiss on the beach; the way her beautiful two toned eyes follow his lips while he leans in to kiss her.

He goes to the beach a hundred times a year and always ends it with standing in this spot.

The very spot where he started falling in love.

The spot where he learned to love.

Erenay is his girlfriend now and she’s pregnant with his child.

He’s come so far out of such a mess, all because of her.

 

“There you are.” She mutters, Jean turns to look at her as she “waddles” towards him.

Her pregnant stomach making it harder for her to walk.

He props his surf board into the sand and holds his arms out for her.

“Hey baby,” Kissing her cheek, he feels a sense of de ja vu that’s common.

He’s felt it ever since the moment he started talking to her but it only comes every now and then.

 

Right now he’s looking at the ocean and that triggers it.

He sees her clutch her key to her chest and she’s mentioned that doing this makes her feel comfort.

Jean isn’t even sure what the key is for, he never questions it.

 

“What are you doin’?”

“This is the spot we kissed for the first time, don’t you remember.” He laughs, but the laughter causes a surge of pain through his body.

It’s not a feeling he can pinpoint though, just an overall dread that leaves him with a feeling that something isn’t right.

But, she distracts him from the pain as she always does.

“You alright, Jean?” She rubs his shoulder blade and its soothing, he leans into her touch.

The waves crash against the beach and distract him from the dark thoughts completely.

The sun is kissing the water in the horizon but he still can’t watch because he’s looking at her.

Afraid to miss out on her beauty, Jean gazes at his lover.

 

“I’m always alright when you’re around.”

_  
**After a while I give up trying to guess if the colour of your hair means anything.**  _

Playing the prince in the school’s 7th grade Snow White play seemed like an amazing idea to Jean. Anything to get close to girls.

 

“There’s a kiss scene in the play, I’m gonna have my first kiss to one of the hot girls in my theatre class.” He boasted to whoever would listen.

The day of casting had come and he’d practically run over his friends to read the sheet of paper hanging outside the auditorium.

He’d already known he’d made his role but he was more interested in the female lead, who to his annoyance turned out to be Erin Jaeger.

His fists clench when he thinks about the awkward female.

She’s going through one of those bad phases where all her clothes are black and her hair is black.

She’s ugly, he tells himself. But he doesn’t think that at all.

She’s not his first pick or even second but hell, she isn’t so bad is she?

 

-

Come the first practice, the teacher tells them that the kiss will be faked.

He’s disappointed to say the least. But why?

When he looks down at Erin, she’s laying on the “bed” prop and she looks pissed.

 

“Why are you even here? Theatre is an elective class.” He fakes annoyance, his voice strained from going through puberty as well as faking an emotion he doesn’t feel.

 

“I needed the credit.” Her eyes close and he tries to ignore the horrible, messy black eyeliner on her upper lids.

Leaning down, his cheeks feel hot and he’s sure that his blush is more than obvious.

He sees her open her eyes and lean up in the slightest, this causes him to panic.

Their lips barely touch before he throws himself backwards away from her.

 

“Did you just try to kiss me?!”

 

“Fuck no! Fuck!” Every couple starts somewhere; it could be the passing glance or an almost kiss in 7th grade.

 

**_  
because even if you don’t exist, I am always in love with you._ **

“Whatcha got there, Jeanbo?”

“A key! I found it buried in the backyard!” Jean looks over the unique key and holds it out to his mother.

She’s not sure what such an old key could have purpose for but she’s happy for her son’s joy. “I bet it opens a treasure chest!” He’s 8 and everything in life is easy.

 

But at 18, life isn’t so easy.

For some reason, he’s kept the key and it harbors all of his anxiety.

His “imaginary friend” Eren wasn’t supposed to still be here.

His psychiatrist had said it was a delusion that would pass as he aged but even in his college dorm, he sees the boy who seems to age with him.

It started when he lost his best friend and everyone had convinced him he’d made up this fantasy to distract himself from the painful reality that Marco was gone.

But the meds and the therapy never ended it like he’d been promised.

 

Staring at the figure, he realizes there’s a feeling he’s never been able to develop for anyone else and he doesn’t want to call it love because that’s crazy right? But he feels like he knows the boy on a level higher than reality.

This is some time lapse where Jean convinces himself he believes in time travel and other illogical ideas that he would never indulge himself in before.

 

He reaches out to touch him, and “Eren” disappears into thin air only to reappear by the door.

“Why can’t I touch you?” He’s on the verge of tears now. The exhaustion of seeing /him/ is almost too much.

The spirit has been stuck at whatever age he is for a long time; he always refuses to tell Jean how old he is but the key around his neck matches the one currently looped around Jean’s neck.

He’s tried to get rid of it, he really has.

But it always comes back.

Eren is here to protect him and he won’t leave.

Sometime he can understand the figure when he speaks but sometimes he can’t.

The words can be inaudible because of a faint static that overpowers words or sometimes he speaks in another language.

Jean assumes it as German.   

 

“Fucking answer me!” He rips the key away from his neck and tosses it.

Eren fades away again but reappears beside him.

The ghostly hand reaches to touch his cheek and he feels warmth wrap around his body like a blanket.

For a moment, he finds complete solace but the despair quickly returns.

He sobs, unable to explain what’s wrong with him but when his hazel eyes meet with the figures hollow, unsettling black orbs he starts to panic again.

 

“Who are you?” he repeats this many times throughout the time they’re together.

But he never receives an answer.

He doesn’t even know that Eren is for sure the figure’s name but it just came to him when he saw him.

As if this spirit was an old friend.

 

“I can’t explain how I’m feeling; do I know you? Why are you still fucking here? I hate you!” A whirlwind of emotions hits him and for once the figure has a crooked smile.

 

“Sehnsucht.”

 

  
_**I remember most fondly those lifetimes where we get to grow up together,**_  
_**when you share your secrets and sorrows and hiding places with me.** _

****

“What are you doing back here?”

 

“I needed to get away.” Jean sits beside him, putting aside their differences when he realizes his “friend” might need his company.

Eren is chewing on his thumb the way he does when he gets nervous.

The fresh bite marks cause Jean to roll his eyes so hard that there’s a strain and he regrets being so annoyed by the other male.

 

He pulls the bandana out of his back pocket, it’s a poor fashion choice anyway so at least it comes in handy for something.

 

“What are you doing?!” Eren snaps, as if the tall blond had just slapped him across the face but when he picks up the brunet’s sore hand, he can tell his friend is grateful.

He wraps the fabric around his hand gently but he doesn’t drop it right away, instead holding onto him.

 

“Is this where you always disappear to after we fight?” Eren looks down at their hands, Jean’s is so much bigger in comparison and he feels safe. For once.

 

“Yeah, it’s quiet. I can think and stuff.” He explains dully, his voice is pained and he can tell he wants to cry.

Their relationship is bittersweet, they love and hate each other but in ways that could never work.

So they avoid thinking about what they could be. Besides, they’re only 16 and there’s so much they haven’t learned yet.

 

“Yeah…it’s easy to tell when you’re gone. Quiet,” He explains. “Too quiet.”

 

 

 

  
_**I love how you play along with my bad ideas,** _  
_**before you grow up and realize they are bad ideas.** _

****

Not even a day here and Jean is already having issues.

Eren Jaeger pisses him off more than he can even explain.

So when they get into it on the first day, it doesn’t really shock either of them.

The coming days bring many more confrontations between them and they aren’t shocked by this.

 

Jean sneaks outside for a smoke he stole from one of the guards, it’s a bad habit he’d picked up from his friends back home and right now he’s having a bad craving.

So he resorts to stealing.

When he looks over his shoulder, he sees Eren approaching him but he doesn’t put the horribly rolled cigarette out.

It’d be such a waste.

 

“What are you doing?!”

 

“Piss off and go back to bed.” He sees Eren’s sleepy figure stop next to him and he seems curious instead of angry.

 

“What…where did you get that?” Jean sees his chance to brag and takes it.

 

“I stole it.”

 

“You can’t do that.”

 

“I did.” Eren is just silent for a few seconds, inhaling the scent of burning tobacco that admittedly smells pretty good.

But Jean grows concerned that his comrade is untrustworthy. “You gonna rat me out?” He questions, raising one of his eyebrows.

 

 

“No! I just…” His deep green eyes meet with Jean’s pleadingly. “Think I could try it?” Jean hesitates at first before holding the already mostly gone cigarette to the smaller.

Eren inhales and practically chokes, coughing so hard that he throws up into a nearby bush.

The sight is amusing and almost makes it worth wasting part of his smoke on Eren because the smaller male dropped it in the clatter.

 

“Why are you such a pussy?” Jean scolds, Eren quickly turns on his heel and shoves the taller into the wall.

 

“You have no right! You’re the one planning on a life inside the walls so fuck off, you tall asshole.” For unknown reasons, Jean’s heart drops and his hands go to the other’s shoulders.

Words, there’s none that he can use to express his emotions.

Someday, he’s not going to have Eren in his life and he’s already started to grieve over this realization.

It’s like they’d known each other already and this is the sad conclusion they’ve come to.

**_  
(And in our times together I have many bad ideas.)_ **

When the realization that he cheated on his wife finally hits Jean, he finds himself in a moment of shock.

Sitting in the motel room shower, he scrubs away at his skin as if he can wash away the sin.

It’s not that he loved her because honestly, the love has been gone from their relationship for a long time now but fucking one of his employees probably wasn’t the greatest idea.

Especially when Eren isn’t single either.

The tattoo shop is a small business and he knows it’ll be obvious what they did soon enough, how long can they keep it a secret? And what if he’s already developing feelings for the brunet?

  
The huge blond cries over this. He’s never been one to cry but it hurts.

Not the fact that he probably managed to hurt his wife because selfishly, he really doesn’t care about her.

At least not the way he does Eren.

It’s so soon but he can see himself building a life with his idiotic friend.

So he gets high, to pacify any kind of thoughts that could plague him.

Soon he’s numb, just far enough gone that he doesn’t think about Eren or their affair.

   ** _  
When we meet as adults you’re always much more discerning. I don’t blame you._**

“The names Jean. Jean Kirschtein.” He tells her, cocking an eyebrow and flashing his lopsided smug grin.

She’s not impressed.

 

“You’re not impressing anyone, you big dope.” She’s seen him in this bar many times.

He’s always at the seat in the back by himself.

She questions why he’s always alone. What a pitiful man to never be with friends.

She’s judging him as if she knows him.

Tonight is the night of her 21st birthday, why does a creep like him have to talk to her tonight?

Armin and Mikasa are away getting drinks and she’s here with Mr. tall, dark and creepy. B

ut god, his eyes remind her of a place she’s never been.

Struck with a nostalgic pain in her chest, she extends her hand for a greeting.

 

“Eren Jaeger.” He stops and stares at her for a second, his eyes focused on the necklace she’s wearing. A key and lock of some sort. She notices. “My father gave it to me.” She explains, clasping the key in her hand.

 

“Gold keys symbolize warmth and security.” He tells her, taking her hand in his own. “No wonder you’re so warm.”  She’s taken off guard by this and unknowingly, she feels suffocated.

 

“I have to go.” She leaves, this won’t be the last time he sees her. They’ll fall in love slowly, not perfectly. It’ll be hard for both of them but it’ll be worth it. They’re together again.

 

_  
**Yet, always, you forgive me.**_

“You were checking her out!” He snaps, Jean recoils in shock.

Going out in public often results in a shouting match so it’s best to avoid it but sometimes they don’t.

The couple is at each other’s throats more than they’re not anymore.

Sometimes it seems like the end of a relationship.

He counts the number of times his husband has thrown the silver wedding band at him and told him to fuck off.

For good this time.

 

“I was not! I was looking at her watch!” Eren kicks his shoes off when they get into the house and whips around to glare at Jean.

  
“Bullshit! You were looking at her tits!” He was, admittedly.

Eren is always right with his accusations and Jean wonders why he even tries to lie anymore.

Sighing exhaustedly, he hangs his coat on the hook along with his scarf.

It’s a cold day and the snow falls so much that they’ll be snowed in by morning.

Falling in a heap onto the couch, the taller male flips the television on to catch up with the game and hopefully drowned out his husband.

But when the disheveled brunet stands in his view and blocks him, he realizes how this is going to be.

 

“/Fine/, I looked for a second. Are you gonna be a fucking baby about it? It’s not like I cheated on you.” Eren tears up, not from being sad but from being so stressed out that he physically cannot hold himself together.

Jean feels guilty and quickly rushes to his side only to be shoved away.

 

“Fuck off!” His hand goes to the wedding band and Jean prepares to catch it but instead he wiggles it over his finger apprehensively.

 

“Remember when you told me you loved me for the first time? You told me you’d never look at anyone else the way you look at me.” Eren reminds him, Jean smiles at the memory. “But…you look at other people and I see that spark in your eyes that I haven’t seen in years. You don’t look at me like that anymore.”

The smile quickly fades to a frown and he lets his hand go to his hair nervously.

The look of wonder he receives when meeting a new person is never used to greet his husband.

For this he feels guilty but after eight years of marriage, it’s difficult to wonder anything about him anymore.

 

He knows the noise Eren makes when he wakes up, he’s seen the man’s darkest times and he’s memorized the sound of his footsteps on the creaky wood flooring when he comes home from work.

It’s memories like this that remind him they’re not done; their marriage could never end over bickering that usually only lasts an hour.

  
“I know you better than you know yourself, Eren. I’ve seen every aspect of you and there’s no surprise anymore.” Eren smiles, surprisingly. Slapping Jean across the face gently, he wonders why but he knows he deserves it.

 

“Did you see that coming?” Jean’s eyes light up, oddly enough.

 

“No I didn’t.” And he kisses him hard, so hard they both tumble onto the couch behind them and in an instant, the argument is long behind them.

 

  
_**As if you understand what’s going on, and you’re making up for**_  
_**all the lifetimes in which one of us doesn’t exist,**_  
_**and the ones where we just, barely, never meet.**_

 

“I fell in love with a stranger today.” He tells himself after hours of the frustrating, irrational hope that something will happen and the girl he saw today will magically have his phone number and call him.

It’s foolish, he knows.

These days he’s secluded himself from pretty much everyone but this girl.

Her hair is a soft auburn from what he can see.

She was next to him at a stop light and he watched her as she screamed along the lyrics to an overplayed Justin Bieber song.

When she realizes he noticed her, she seems embarrassed but she flips him off.

 

He minds his own business for a split second but it doesn’t last because he can’t pull his eyes away from her.

It’s one of those ridiculously long red lights on a freeway and for once, he’s thankful for it.

The minute he’s sat here waiting, he’s watched her send a text, reapply cherry red lipstick, receive a text, and then spill iced coffee onto herself.

His heart is pounding out of his chest and he curses himself for not being somewhere else right now because he knows he’ll never get her out of his head.

But he never wants to.

She’s the one familiar thought that holds him together.    

 

**_  
I hate those. I prefer the ones in which you kill me._ **

 

  
It happened so fast.

He couldn’t pull his knife out fast enough to fight the corpse off of him.

When he felt the teeth sinking into his shoulder, Jean let out a sharp gasp of pain.

He could feel the blood squirt from the wound like a leaking faucet and it trickled down his tattered tank top.

 

The wound immediately felt unbearably hot.

His breathing picked up and he finally pried away from the creature enough to stab his knife through its skull.

Staggering upward, he immediately saw the look on Eren’s face.

He’d never wanted to see that look of fear in her eyes. She was immune to this; he was thankful for that.

The pain coursed through his body and it felt like venom, seeping into his veins.

She would be with her sister now, he felt guilty for that but grateful she wouldn’t be alone.

 

Jean faded in and out of consciousness, barely able to stand let alone speak.

He could feel her dragging him away from the open.

They were in a small patch of brush that was quiet for the moment but he knew it wouldn’t be long before more corpses came for her.

 

“Eren, go.” He mumbled, coughing blood up when he tried to speak.

Hearing her cry was the most painful part of all this though, he couldn’t stand it.

 

“No! I’m not leaving you.” She was clutching her jacket to his wound to stop the bleeding.

His eyes were bloodshot and his body, although it felt like it was on fire, was practically cold.

His pulse started to slow and he knew eventually it would stop completely.

 

“You have to…” She’s wasting water now, pouring it over his bloody lips and into his mouth.

 

“Spit.” She commands and he spits the watered down blood out of his mouth. “There has to be a way…I need to save you!” Jean shakes his head and lets out a pained grunt.

 

“Please…it hurts,” He begs, asking her to kill him almost seems like too much but his entire body is screaming in pain.

He needs it to end, he tries to cry but it comes out as pained screams and he knows it’ll alert the dead.

When he hears their disgusting moans and the brush around them moving, he pushes Eren away. “You need to go!” He snaps and thankfully he catches sight of Mikasa’s red scarf.

He knows she’ll make Eren leave.

 

As if it’s a dream, he watches Eren grow up in front of his eyes.

Mikasa and Jean had protected her until this moment but when he sees her hand go to the pistol on her hip, he knows she’ll survive.

 

“I love you.” She cries, over and over again.

He tells her he loves her too, not verbally but with his eyes.

At this point, he can’t talk and his heartbeat is impossibly slow and loud.

He can count the beats in his head one by one until the gunshot cuts off all of his thoughts and he blacks out.

She can’t look at his body when it’s done. He’s so disfigured now that he doesn’t look like her lover anymore.

He was wearing her key and she leaves it, only wishing they could properly bury him. Her hand clutches his military dog tags that hang loosely around her neck, she’ll never love anyone the way she does him.     

**_  
But when all’s said and done, I’d surrender to you in other ways._ **

 

 

“What are you, a lesbian?” They’ve been sharing a dorm room for almost six months and every time Jeaine changes, she has the odd feeling Eren is watching her.

The brunette looks down at herself, dressed in a flannel and a pair of cargo shorts.

Her hair is a shaggy boy cut and she wonders how Jean hasn’t caught onto the fact that she likes girls yet.

The other female is tall and slender. She dresses girl enough, nothing over the top but it’s obvious that she’s fairly straight so Eren doesn’t push.

 

“I mean…yeah. I’m surprised you’re just now catching on.” Her voice is raspy and when she leans back against her pillows, she catches Jeaine storming towards her.

Eren calls her Jean, it’s shockingly less pretentious than “Jeaine”. The blonde has her hair pulled up as she usually does, come to think of it Eren has never seen her hair down.

 

“You’re such a creep! Have you been watching me dress and shit all this time?” She sounds mad, but honestly she’s flattered.

It’s not like she hadn’t thought about Eren that way.

She’s butch in her own way, but she’s kinda cute.

Eren laughs, grabbing one of her pillows to hit the taller female.

 

“I’d be lying if I said I didn’t look.” The pillow hit’s Jean’s hip and she grabs it to hit Eren in the face.

But instead she tosses it aside and falls onto the bed beside her.

Apprehensively, her hand goes to Eren’s hip and pulls her close.

 

“I hate you.” Jean reminds her before their lips just barely touch.

As if the blonde is letting all of her fears of the situation go, she kisses harder now.

Her lips moving hard on top of Eren’s as their tongues brush against each other inside the brunette’s mouth.

When they’re together, it’s a dominance struggle. They both have dominant personalities, but somehow Eren always overcomes her.

They part for a second, Eren brushes her hand over Jean’s soft cheek like she’s wanted to for a while now.

 

“As much as I want to, I can’t hate you.” 

 

  
_**Even though each time, I know I’ll see you again, I always wonder** _   
_**is this the last time?** _

 

“Commander Kirschtein,” He starts, knocking on the door only to receive no answer.

Instead of waiting or coming back later, Eren lets himself in.

When he sees Jean laying on the floor, staring up at the ceiling with a pint of liquor beside him he isn’t surprised.

They’re older now and his old friend has pretty much lost hope in everything, especially himself.

Leadership suits him well but he still doesn’t see it.

 

When the tall blond looks up to see Eren standing above him, he shoots him a grin.

It’s obvious that he’s drunk, he reeks of booze and there’s a hazy, peaceful look in his eyes.

 

“You made it home.”

 

“Home?”

 

“Came back to me.” He explains before reaching for the bottle again but Eren pushes it away with his foot.

 

“No more, let’s get you into bed.” Eren struggles to help the still much larger male into his dorm to lay down.

Pulling the jacket off of him before unbuttoning his shirt, Eren can’t help but dwell on something he said earlier.

He sets Jean’s glasses onto the nightstand before pulling the thin blanket back and tossing it over him.

 

“You uh…acted like you didn’t think I would come home.” Eren reminds him sheepishly, scratching the back of his neck nervously.

 

“I don’t count on anyone coming back anymore. Nonetheless you, you selfish idiotic bastard.” 

 

Eren grins.

 

“Fuck off with that grin, fuck.” Groggily, he sits up to poke at the scar on Eren’s neck.

 

“Were you worried about me?”

 

“Of course.”

 

“It just…”

 

“What?”

 

“Do you believe in life after…this? I’ve been reading books! And I know we’re not supposed to but there’s a lot of stuff written about something called heaven and then the opposite of it is hell.”

 

Jean knows exactly what he’s talking about but stays silent.

 

“I don’t believe that. I think there’s…/many/ lives. I’ve been reading too, I’m not sure there’s a term for it but I read about being born again. You know, as another person in another life.” He sighs, thinking about the idea of it all. “Or an animal.”

 

“Bet you were a horse in a past life.” Eren teases, Jean shrugs.

They don’t make the joke so often anymore so sometimes it brings back memories or easier times in training and it’s not so negative now.

 

“I hope you’re a bird in your next life.” Eren is immediately defensive.

 

“Is that some kinda joke because I always steal the bread off your plate? Look, it’s because you /know/ they don’t feed us enough! I’m always hungry, besides you overwork me, commander Handsome.” He rambles away, Jean barely notices.

  
“No, if you were a bird, you’d be free.”

 

**_  
Is that really you?_ **

 

 

He chases the woman from his dreams down the street, briskly walking as fast as he can through the crowded New York streets.

Sometimes she just barely slips out of his grasp but he manages to catch sight of her again.

His heart pounds out of his chest and he wonders if he’s crazy. She couldn’t really be her, some stranger he’s seen.

But he saw them. Her two toned eyes- gold and sea foam- from so far away. It gives him the smallest amount of hope that he won’t sound absolutely insane when he explains to her.

 

When Jean catches her shoulder, he realizes how fragile she seems.

She turns to look at him curiously and he realizes she isn’t a she at all.

The male has a petite, curvy figure and longish hair that falls almost to his shoulders.

It was a simple enough mistake.

 

“What the fuck dude?” Jean doesn’t know how to respond, he blinks in shock and he rips his hand away from his shoulder.

He isn’t gay, obviously.

 

“Nothing! You just looked like a girl I…know.” The stranger scoffs, very obviously offended by Jean’s comment.

 

“I’m not a fucking girl!” His voice cracks and he shoves Jean.

 

“Woah dude, fucking chill! You’re not who I thought you were. Fuck, sorry.” Jean turns to leave until a familiar looking blond runs past him, followed by a unique looking woman wearing a red scarf.

His eyes go wide when he hears them call out to the brunet he’d just chased. “Eren!”

 

  
_**And what if you’re perfectly happy** _  
_**without me?** _

 

Jean watches her leave more often than he doesn’t, the sway of her hips and the way her brunette locks of hair fall down her back has been permanently etched into his memory.

Some days he swears that she stalls, her hugs linger on a little too long but then he catches sight of the bright diamond on her ring finger.

It hurts to know he’ll never get a chance to be with her the way he dreams and this realization stops him from telling her that he’s in love with her and he’s always been.

There’s something about her, he feels like he’s supposed to be with her.

 

Today though, she doesn’t leave.

 

“Jean, you hear me?” He snaps out of it and when he does, he looks down to see her hand is holding his much larger one.

“Oh.” Is all he can think of to say, it’s not much but now she knows he’s at least conscious.

When his eyes meet hers, he can see tears welling in the corners of her deep greens.

She’s not sad though, she’s relieved. He can see it in the way she’s holding herself together.

Her lips are pursed and her hair curves around her cheeks making him realize how beautiful and feminine she really is.

They bicker a lot and her strength distracts him from how soft she really is.

 

“I’m not one for fucking around, you know that. So I figured I’d just come out with it.” She bites her lip; he knows she only does this while they’re filling out the heavy shit at work.

It’s a look she reserved for rare occasions where she doesn’t know if what she’s doing is right or not; she can’t help herself though.

 

“So uh, I love /you/.” She says it with stress on the ‘you’. As if there was someone else standing behind him that could’ve mistakenly been the one she loved.

He wants to ask her why and remind her that she’s married but, he can’t. Jean, the realist, settles for her idealistic statement.

 

“I love you too.” To this, she leans up and kisses his cheek.

He wants to turn and catch her soft candy pink lips onto his own, but doesn’t.  

 

“Great, see you Monday?”

 

“Yeah, Monday.”

 

**_  
Ah, but I don’t blame you; I’ll never burn as brilliantly as you._ **

 

Jean glances to his left, an annoyed glare stuck to his features when he realizes Eren finished as number five in the top ten.

Coming in at six, he’s more than pissed after struggling through training to do better than his “opponent”.

They’re comrades really.

Not that he has any intention on fighting alongside Eren in the Survey Corps.

It’s Military Police for him all the way. He wants to turn and congratulate Marco because now they’ll both be getting into the Military Police like they’d wanted from the beginning but he can’t pull his eyes away from Eren.

 

He has the same irritated look in his eyes as before but he feels almost proud.

Eren tried so hard to get where he’s at and it’s refreshing to see that it paid off. At least a little bit, he’s only number five out of ten but it’s more than he’d expected out of the smaller male.

Eren looks proud of himself, determined to go on. He wants to tell him congratulations but it seems cheesy and out of place.

Especially since they’re rivals. But he won’t deny how much of an honor it is to be standing right beside someone like Eren.

Overcome by the feeling, he almost doesn’t realize when everyone breaks formation to go back to their rooms. He watches Eren walk away and when he comes around, it’s just he and Marco standing there.

Marco’s hand is in his shoulder and Jean still has his fist to his chest in a salute.

  
“You alright there, Jean?” Marco asks, his voice is chipper and friendly as usual. As much as Jean wants to question his friend about why he would feel this way, he just turns and nods.

 

“Fine, Marco.”

**_It’s only fair_ **  
**_that I should be the one_ **  
**_to chase you across ten, twenty-five, a hundred lifetimes_ **  
**_until I find the one where you’ll return to me._ **

****

They lay in bed, tangled around each other. The hot, sticky summer air clinging dryly around their nude bodies.

They’re covered in sweat and each other, having just finished a round of love making.

Jean reaches to his partner’s hair and strokes gently. Eren is already fast asleep. He studies the features on his face and knows that his lover has seen so much.

They’ve come so far and only because of each other.

The large blond has so many worries about how long this blissful relationship will last but, he reminds himself all good things come to an end eventually.

He’s come to the conclusion that they most likely will not be together forever. Loves like theirs burn bright and hard, burning out the same way.

Quickly.

It wasn’t long after they met that they realized they loved one another.

His nights always start with these thoughts.

The thoughts that maybe someday he won’t love Eren.

 

His fingers trace over the birthmark on Eren’s thumb.

A permanent reminder that everything was real, even if neither of them remember it in its entirety.

Jean recalls names and ideas while Eren has nightmares of what happened.

His partner’s eyes are shut so he presses gentle kisses over the lids and to this, the brunet smiles softly.

Causing Jean to fall in love all over again.

He could lay this way with him until the sun comes up, kissing parts of his face and body until he remembers why he fell in love with him in the first place.

 

“You’re beautiful.” He whispers in his ear, watching the smile grow even more.

Even if Eren is asleep, he remembers all of this in the morning but he recalls it as a dream.

Eren has told him before, he has dreams of Jean kissing him and touching him.

They keep the nightmares at bay.

So foolishly, Jean discards hours of sleep just to keep his boyfriend’s nightmares away.

 

“There isn’t a thing I wouldn’t do for you, Eren.” By now, he realizes he loves him and will never stop loving him.

Any rational thoughts slip out the window and are quickly replaced by love struck feelings.

 

 


End file.
